Finding a Good Man: Part II
In response to a query on Facebook from Anji about finding a good man who doesn’t lie and cheat:
Anji, in Part I, I addressed the problem and now in Part II, I suggest some things to think about that might be helpful.
Let me ask you a few questions, then let me tell you a few things I have asked my clients to think about.
First off, do you have children? If so, we both know that the man must be a good father or at least have the character qualities that make for a good father: patient, tender, relentless in protecting and providing for those he loves, interested in the inner state (emotional and intellectual) of those he loves, and deferential (does not demand his own way; rather he is willing and able to defer to the wants, desires, and viewpoints of others.) Are these the qualities you demand in a man before you will open your heart to him? If not, I suggest considering demanding nothing less.
Secondly, do you share the same values concerning a man/woman relationship? You have in your head what a healthy dynamic between a man and a woman looks like. Can you articulate that to yourself and him? Does your gut tell you that he can do that? If not, keep looking.
Thirdly, have you spent enough time with him in many different types of situations (both pleasant and stressful) to see how he handles conflict? If not, don’t even think about opening your heart to him.
Fourthly, do you know how healthy the relationship is between he and his mother? If a man cannot love and respect his mother, he will likely not be able to treat you any differently than he treats her.
Fifthly, have you introduced him to the men in your life that you trust? I encourage you to do so and to seriously ask them for their feedback on the fellow. Trust their gut… as long as they do not harbor secret desires to be your partner.
Sixthly, is he willing to show you the respect of letting you decide how quickly to move forward in the relationship? If not, you are setting yourself up to be controlled and abused.
And finally, question number seven. Is he willing to defer a sexual component of a relationship until you have answered all of the above questions? If you have not done the above and yet choose to enter into a sexual relationship, you are setting yourself up to have your emotions and your hormones determine your future, rather than your good judgment. If you do so, I suspect you will be back – single – and reading this again with multiple bruises from kicking yourself… again.
In my work as a Conflict Coach and Life Coach, I spend a lot of time working with women who go through relationship after relationship being disrespected and greatly disappointed. The number one thing that they are doing to stay on that carousel is they do not learn to put up “respect boundaries”. I encourage you to never, ever allow yourself to remain in a situation or even a conversation where you are being treated disrespectfully… even if it means walking away from a possible mate. I act as a dating coach and I encourage my clients to do pre-dating interviews: spend time finding the answers to the above questions with the same objective dispassion as a person interviewing to hire someone. Do NOT let your hopes get up and your heart get interested until you KNOW intellectually that he meets your basic qualifications.
The bottom line is this: love and respect yourself first. A strong, self-assured and un-manipulatable woman is very, very attractive… to a good man. Become that woman and you will attract one.
For more Packets of Wisdom, go to www.jimshaul.org
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